Single People Are Kind of Like Real People

I don’t usually make a big deal either way about being single. I don’t think of myself as a “single person”, I just think of myself as a “person”.  While I have heard other single people complain about married people treating them differently, I can only count on one hand the number of married people who have treated me differently because of my single status.  98% of the people I come in contact with treat me no differently than if I was married.

 

In relation to the topic of celibacy in this week’s SS lesson, I contemplated writing a blog about being single, but decided against it. Then I ran across a statement in Friday’s section of this week’s lesson that I really took exception to, and decided to write something. Here is the statement that I found not only to be unbiblical but also offensive. “Celibacy is not the ordinary, normal state, and it is a deception of the devil that, of itself, it can lead to a superior state of holiness than would otherwise be possible. Among the Jews celibacy was frowned upon or pitied, and it was practiced only by extreme ascetic groups such as the Essenes. . . . The Scripture record states specifically that Peter was married, and probably the other disciples were as well. . . . Jesus never recommended celibacy, either for Christians as a whole or for Christian leaders. It is not natural, and does not contribute to the development of a symmetrical character in the way that normal married life can.

“The words of our Lord (in Matt. 19:12), if understood literally, would run counter to the whole tenor of Scripture. The idea of bodily mutilation is abhorrent. It seems proper to see this statement as analogous to Christ’s declaration in Matthew 5:30 (about cutting off an offending limb)”—The SDA Bible Commentary, vol. 5, pp. 455, 456

 

Okay, I agree that celibacy is not the norm. I also totally agree that being single does not make you more holy. (Of course being married does not make you more holy either.) Yes, the Scriptures tell us that Peter was married. However the scriptures also tell us Paul was not married at the time of his ministry and even more so Jesus was never married. So- are Paul and Jesus unnatural misfits? The quote says that Jesus never recommended celibacy. I (and many other Bible students married and unmarried) totally disagree.  While Jesus and the scriptures never forbade marriage, Jesus and Paul both have given us enough counsel to see that celibacy has many spiritual advantages. (Matthew 19:12, 1 Corinthians 7)

Satan always takes things God says to extremes. For example Satan suggested to Eve that God told her she could not eat of “any” of the trees when in reality He only told her not to eat from one. While the Bible clearly suggests that it is good for some people not to marry, the Bible never forbade marriage and even warns us in 1 Timothy 4 that the antichrist would be the one who forbids marriage. Clearly extremism is to be avoided. No one has to get married and no one has to remain single.

I will gladly admit that being married can and should lead one to be a better Christian, and also admit that being single is a very convenient way to be selfish. There is no one as free as a single adult. You answer to neither spouse nor parent. You just do whatever you want whenever you want. (Now in my case add to this that even my job is really not a job but rather my passion. So I have no one in my world telling me what to do other than my boss who just tells me to do what I want to do anyway! I can not begin to describe what a wonderful feeling that is!). While marriage calls for self sacrifice there are many wonderful single Christians who crucify self every day while there are many married people who never think of their spouse or children. While many people say that you have to be married to understand what it takes to make a marriage work, I totally disagree. I do know exactly what it takes to make a marriage work and maybe that is why I have chosen to remain single to this point in my life. On the other hand you have married people who are married only because they did not know what it took, or they found their wedding vows to be too inconvenient. I know of many single people who have sacrificed to care for the needs of neglected children who are not their own, even though they never made a vow to. There are many single aunts and uncles, “big brothers” and “big sisters” out there who will never get a Father’s Day or Mother’s Day card though they are quite deserving of one.

There are those who believe an elder must be married to give counsel to families. While I have never been a husband or father, I have been a son, brother, uncle, nephew and grandson. So I have been in a family and I do know how families work. Also please don’t slaughter Paul’s counsel to Timothy to mean that you have to be married to be an elder. As 98% of Bible scholars clearly understand, Paul simply meant no more than one wife. Not that you must have one wife. Is ones ability to be a spiritual leader dependant upon being married or being anointed by the Lord? I had someone tell me once that I could not be an elder because Paul says that an elder must rule well his own home. Well I do rule my own home well, by not marrying anyone who would corrupt my home. I heard someone say once that I could not be an elder because I can’t counsel with married people because I don’t know what it is like to be married. So if married elders are the only ones who can help married people then wouldn’t single elders be the only ones who could help single people? But single people don’t need or deserve elders who understand them? Only married people deserve elders who can relate to them? See what happens when we slaughter Paul’s teachings? The logic just gets more and more absurd.

 

Okay now I am going to talk about an obvious issue here- sex. Single people long for intimacy just like everyone else. However not all sex is intimacy and not all intimacy has to be sex. As a matter of fact I read a book once about sexual purity that stated that many people will have sex to avoid intimacy! Intimacy takes place in the mind and heart, not the sex organs. Getting naked together does not make you intimate until you have shared your heart and mind.  I know married people who are still very lonely and some even celibate. In the 5^th volume of the Testimonies Ellen White writes of a man who had sexual issues that not even marriage could cure. Marriage is not the sole solution for intimacy.  Neither is marriage necessarily the solution for sexual desires.

 

What I long for is a woman that I can sit and talk with for hours while it only seems like a few moments. A few years ago, I lost a friend to breast cancer, who had a double mastectomy. When I started visiting her in the hospital, we quickly became friends and could talk and laugh together easily. I really enjoyed her company and while I don’t know what was going on in her mind, the day she died, she told me that she really wished we could have known each other longer here on earth. I’m not sure, but it seemed she was implying that she may have liked me for more than just a friend. If she had lived, the fact that she didn’t have a perfect body would not have gotten in the way of our relationship. She and I could talk together forever, and I loved every moment with her. Please understand that marriage does not guarantee intimacy and being celibate does not prevent it. 

The Bible condones marriage or celibacy. Married people can be beautiful Christians, and their marriages can be a living example of what a true self sacrificing Christian ought to be. On the other hand single people can be very devoted to their families, church families and most of all to Jesus.

I really appreciated the last men’s ministry convention I attended. For years our church’s preaching and teaching has centered around married people and the message to single people has been, “Listen to this message – it will help you when you get married.” But this time, while they talked about married men and their ministry to their family, instead of telling us single guys that we could apply these teachings later when we get married, they taught us how to apply them now to our church family and our friends who are all around us. They emphasized that even though we are single, we make a significant impact on the lives around us today. They treated us like we were real people!

What a contrast to the Valentine’s banquet I attended in another state around ten years ago. Several of us singles sat at a table while the emcee spent the evening recognizing married couples and their accomplishments. That is all well and fine, after all it was a Valentine’s banquet, what do you expect? The problem came at the end when the emcee tried to “console” us single people by telling us even though we were single, we were still “kind of like real people.”

Thank you to the 98% who treat me like a real person even though I have chosen to remain single up to this point in my life. Thank you for letting me live my life as a “person” instead of a “single person.” To all I pray these thoughts will be enlightening and a blesssing in your christian walk and fellowship. 

Below are several quotes from the Spirit of Prophecy relating to marriage and singleness in the last days. I pray they are a blessing to you.

Ellen G. White Estate

The Adventist Home (1952), page 68, paragraph 1, Chapter Title: Forbidden Marriages;

Counsels for the Church (1991), page 123, paragraph 1, Chapter Title: Chapter 19 – Marry Not an Unbeliever

The believer thus makes a sacrifice for Christ which his conscience approves, and which shows that he values eternal life too highly to run the risk of losing it. He feels that it would be better to remain unmarried than to link his interest for life with one who chooses the world rather than Jesus, and who would lead away from the cross of Christ.

 

Letters to Young Lovers (1983), page 81, paragraph 4, Chapter Title: Section Seven – Shadow Over the Nest

The believer thus makes a sacrifice for Christ which his conscience approves, and which shows that he values eternal life too highly to run the risk of losing it. He feels that it would be better to remain unmarried than to link his interest for life with one who chooses the world rather than Jesus.

The Kress Collection (1985), page 129, paragraph 5

Brother and Sister Hickox are working in East Maitland. Brother and Sister Colcord are working in West Maitland. Sister Colcord, having a family, does not work much among the people. But it is altogether better to have married people in the work. Workers who are married can work to much greater advantage in the families they visit than can those who are unmarried.

 

Testimonies for the Church Volume Four (1876-1881), page 503, paragraph 3, Chapter Title: Unscriptural Marriages

We are living in the last days, when the mania upon the subject of marriage constitutes one of the signs of the near coming of Christ. God is not consulted in these matters. Religion, duty, and principle are sacrificed to carry out the promptings of the unconsecrated heart. There should be no great display and rejoicing over the union of the parties. There is not one marriage in one hundred that results happily, that bears the sanction of God, and places the parties in a position better to glorify Him. The evil consequences of poor marriages are numberless. They are contracted from impulse. A candid review of the matter is scarcely thought of, and consultation with those of experience is considered old-fashioned.

 

Testimonies for the Church Volume Four (1876-1881), page 515, paragraph 2, Chapter Title: The Cause at Battle Creek

There have been marriage relations formed in Battle Creek with which God has had nothing to do. Marriages have been ill-assorted in some cases, immature in others. Christ has warned us that this state of things would exist prior to His second appearing. It constitutes one of the signs of the last days. A similar state of things existed before the Flood. The minds of the people were bewitched upon the subject of marriage. When there is so much uncertainty, so great danger, there is no reason why we should make great parade or display, even if the parties were perfectly suited to each other; but that remains to be tested.

General Conference Daily Bulletin, February 6, 1893, paragraph 13, Article Title: Unpublished Testimony Relative to City Missions

“Many of the marriages contracted in these last days prove to be a mistake. The parties make no advancement in spiritual things; their growth and usefulness ended with their marriage. There are men and women throughout the country who would have been accepted as laborers together with God if Satan had not laid his snares to entangle their minds and hearts in courtship and marriage. Did the Lord urge them to obtain the advantages of our schools and missions, that they might sink everything in courtship and marriage, binding themselves by a human band for a lifetime? By accepting the work of rearing children in these last days of uncertainty and peril, many place themselves in a position where they cannot labor either in the canvassing field or in any other branch of the cause of God, and some lose all interest to do this. They are content with a common, low level, and assimilate to the position they have chosen. The bewitching power of Satan’s deceptions wrought within the human heart its evil work. Instead of candidly considering the time in which we live, and the work they might do in leading others to the truth, they reason from a selfish standpoint, and follow the impulse of their own unconsecrated hearts. “The flesh lusteth against the spirit, and the spirit against the flesh.” The natural appetites and passions become a controlling power, and the result is that spiritual growth ceases; the soul is, as it were, paralyzed.

 

Living by Principle (1898), page 28, paragraph 4

Many of the marriages contracted in these last days prove to be a mistake. The parties make no advancement in spiritual things; their growth and usefulness ended with their marriage. There are men and women throughout the country who would have been accepted as laborers together with God if Satan had not laid his snares to entangle their minds and hearts in courtship and marriage. Did the Lord urge them to obtain the advantages of our schools and missions that they might sink everything in courtship and marriage, binding themselves by a human band for a lifetime?

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